No Surprises

For the first time since I have started working, I have been away from it for 11 days (the most ever) over this most festive of festive seasons…and I felt…numb. Which is a bit of a paradox in itself…but none of that festive cheer bullshit or the feeling of giving or anything really?

My folks were up here, so this time involved juggling my family, mates and the area that needed the most attention, my self. This insomnia ravaged time means that I am spending a decent amount of time in bed, waiting to fall asleep, or even worse yet, waiting for my mind to calm the fuck down enough for me to feel even an inkling of peace…but to little joy.

Before I continue, I have to speak to recent conversations with fellow bloggers that have commented adversely about my blog. I’m sorry, but this is me, for the better part, in any case. I don’t seem inspired enough to write about just about anything. I do however thoroughly enjoy reading your rants on the randomness of life, but fear my cynicism on life at present would just lead to dark reviews of darker movies and enlightening tales of albums that do in fact highlight heart sore and aggravation. Then there is the case for idiot co-workers and recent acquiesces that require acts of violence to kindly shut the fuck up….I really, really don’t fucking care about what you did, ate or experienced!

This Christmas, I spent a decent amount of money out of duty on those close to me, they did however have a greater amount of thought applied to them…more so than usual…the only gift that I hope adds serious value to someone’s life and shows them what they mean to me would be that of a gift to my beloved Doc. You fed my passion, I hope I have contributed to yours, in however insignificant manner.

As I sit awake, on yet another fucking evening, well beyond normal sleeping hours, listening to random dark, morbid music filled with angst, I contemplate writing what a possible suicide note would read, or even better, a self eulogy…I however fear that that would attract the wrong sort of attention from those that read this that know me…everyone just calm down, I’m not going to kill myself…

As my mind tosses and turns trying to wrap itself around a potential expedition to the UK for work and life purposes I find myself deeper in the chaos of my thought than usual. Often the harder thing to do, is nothing, but what sort of answer is that to life’s great quandaries?

Right, back to the Christmas and New Year bit…as the title suggests, it has been par for course. Nothing particularly joyous (bar time with my nieces and nephew) struck nor decent insight into my sense of self. Yes, this is all really heavy and becoming very boring, I’m the last person that needs to hear it, but I just don’t fucking care about the random, arbitrary shit going on at that time of year that people indulge themselves in.

I contemplate if this would have been the last New Year in this country for a bit or if this will become standard issue for the next little while. New Year, did however, once again underline all the usual bullshit of people.

And no, I did not go in with the most morbid of morbid attitudes, I actually was quite neutral to the whole fucking thing…I did enjoy decent laughs, interesting conversation and way too much alcohol, but what the fuck…I could not be an absolute downer for all and sundry…

I had no expectations, hope or agenda attached to this time period, other than to chill out and not concern myself with the rigor of work. Instead I experienced a visit from the ghost of Christmas past, someone close to me experiencing their own turmoil and the standard issue apathy to most else.

Fuck, what I would give for a good nights sleep!

I’m not entirely sure how I am processing shit at this point because it just seems like a plethora of chaos…I do however think the UK thing will probably fall through due to my reservations of my financial standing. Which then infers that one situation in my life would be nearing resolution, but who knows…

My usual “best of the year” music cd compilation also no longer grabs with the same passion it once did and I find myself watching The Legends of the Fall, Fight Club, Donnie Darko, Garden State, Little Miss Sunshine, Closer, Stranger than Fiction and musical DVDs of Nirvana, Keane, Collective Soul and other randoms (30 Seconds to Mars, Panic Channel and The Kooks)….common factors amongst them? Not sure…Tristan is wild at heart, all those around him die and he is tormented by factors of his life; Edward Norton can’t sleep either and decides that anarchy is the route along with creating another personality to handle his deficiencies; Donnie has hallucinations, also becomes an anarchist and eventually dies with a plane engine falling into his room; Zach Braff something or the other accidentally paralyses his mother as a child and his father has him on valium into his mid 20s; Steve Carrel’s Frank failed in his suicide attempt and is roped along on an insightful, dark road trip; Jude Law’s philandering ways are rewarded with loneliness; Will Farrel is faced with his imminent death and then there is the music, with Nirvana in general, being dark and tainted with Kurt’s apathy in their most popular gig just before his death early the following year, Keane’s Bad Dream and Everything Changes contribute, whilst How do you love?, Needs, The Kill, Why Cry and Naïve all play their part too…

Whatever, fuck it…I’m just tired…I guess I’ll shake it off soon enough…here’s to hoping cricket season gets going really soon!

“Pain is the suffering we endure to attain happiness”