For reasons unknown

Right…for the first time in eons, I went out clubbing a week or so back. It was a Friday night and part of the itinerary tied to a friend’s birthday. I am not generally the clubbing type. It’s not that I believe I’m above it, or too old or anything like that. It’s just that I’m over it. Yeah I bob my head to certain dance tracks on the radio here and there and fall into a nostalgic place when my home PC stumbles across old MP3s. But for the better part, the Zoydberg that enjoyed the concept of clubbing is well and truly in hibernation. Safely tucked away from the chaos of hard house, tribal beats and ecstasy filled evenings. I am not like those now non-smokers that chastise the cancer stick now that they have quit…clubbing was cool, just not my fit anymore.

Anyway, I digress. The one thing that always intrigued me about going to clubs (be them the hardcore ones I used to go to or the preppy, tartish efforts in suburbia) was the, as Martin Lawrence’s character once called it “scattered ass”. No disrespect to women, in fact, I have the highest regard for women, but the hootchies that go out, all dolled up, with next to nothing on, putting on a show on the dance floor with “fuck me” looks. It’s almost an audition for a new Brittney/Christina music video. Again, please heed the disclaimer; this is not me painting all women that go to clubs as this brand of female, but definitely, a large, large proportion. As a hot blooded man, with a decent libido, above mentioned hootchies certainly catch the eye and quickly enough accomplish their mission of gaining their fair share of looks from their core targeted demographic.

I can’t, for the life of me understand how such a grave number of women put themselves out like that. It’s almost a true animal planet-esque sighting…”and here we see the 19 year old uber hottie with midriff and severe cleavage showing and micro mini hiked up even further to attain the affection and attention of men she doesn’t even have interest in. Quite the task she has as she battles the massive amount of alcohol she has had, the massive amounts of alcohol they have had as well as her 6 inch heels. ” Again, please don’t get me wrong, ornithology (braces himself for impact from female friends for that one) is one of my favorite past times but the way that the whole thing plays itself out is quite fascinating.

See, I’m no Brad Pitt or Jude Law or Johnny Depp, I don’t have old money or too much of new money and there certainly aren’t washboard abs nor huge penis burdens for me, but I have been ok with the ladies. They seem to like me, though in warped shows of affection and tumultuous endings, but they like me enough to at least stick around for stints of time and don’t mind being seen with me in public. But I have never been able to chat up a woman in a club, properly, or with any sort of suave or swagger. The 4 times that I was successful (there is context, put the pitchforks away) all have their own interesting stories attached.

The first was by accident, she was attractive, uninterested in my come hither looks and couldn’t care less, I left, came back and was going to attempt to hit on her, but found some random drunken guy hitting on her, she found me a slightly more attractive option and said that I was her boyfriend and he was to leave…that catalyzed conversation, and led to high school action…after, and only after, she found out that I was funny, witty and charming.

The second (note, the 2^nd, 3^rd and 4^th were all on cricket tour) was me playing wingman to my mate…he scored her very attractive friend I took her out to eat some hay…was painful, but was for the sake of the Man Code.

The 3^rd and 4^th was me, not really caring, them noticing that I was part of a cricket squad from natal and returning soon enough, and everyone was decently tipsy to drunk…and that was that…they were more interested in the concept of than the actual person. I am convinced of this.

As the above summaries surmise, none of these cases actually have anything to do with the girl liking me. In fact, it was either due to her getting to know me, or just going with the flow of the context that I was able to put the proverbial points on the scoreboard. Which all just further backs up my age old ethos about myself…”I’m quite attractive once you get to know me”

The thing about me is, that I would, I guess, like to be found attractive for who I am, as that would validate my critiquing of those more superficial than me. Yes, very counterproductive, I know, but still how my warped mind works. That said, I don’t believe I am completely dodgy looking and have had the affection of some attractive girls. That is, however, only because I had the chance to speak to them. You see, a club does not afford someone like me, who puts so much stock in my abilities with my tongue (pun unintended) to err…eventually get to use my abilities with my tongue (pun intended). The music is too loud, the people are too tipsy and unfortunately, it’s more a case of first impressions that works the magic. I have fundamental issues with having to buy a girl a drink in order to buy her time as this infers prostitution (yes, yes, so does the date concept of dinner, movies, etc). The thing about the drink thing is, did you honestly get all dressed up and picture guys walking up to you to buy you drinks in order to flirt with you to get in to your pants? You seriously didn’t expect the man of your dreams to rock up and sweep you off your feet with you wearing hootchie heels and matching skank skirt? What does that say about him…you also could just have been out for a girls night, still looking like above mentioned 2 bit ho? All of this leads to the other fact, of which most of these women are aware and participate in, which is, to have the invisible “open for business” sign up.

The first thing a girl sees of a boy in a club is his looks, then his dancing ability. Both infer so much more about so much more. How he looks , speaks to his actual genetic makeup, his dress sense infers certain things about his taste in clothing and class factor as well as a certain something about the money he has access to. The way he dances infers his comfort with his own body and his confidence levels…all of which is conveyed in 2 simple minutes. Unfortunately, it would appear that most of these women that look attractive and have that sign up, are only looking for the best possible looking guy they can attract with the above mentioned qualities. I unfortunately, base any game I have on my ability to talk…which is nullified by the loud music, by the fact that they clam up already based on how I look (and what that infers) and a perception of what they want , and the fact that I am sober and they sorta aren’t…

To conclude, my excuse for not being able to pick up a girl in a club are because she would have made her mind up before I have even delivered my hilariously funny, witty and charming opening line. And as such, I shall remain on my soap box, cos who wants those uber hot, low moral fiber tarts anyway! Give me a girl with context, for goodness sake!

Straight jacket fashion

These last few weeks I have been spending a lot of time on my own. Awaiting the alone time that the 5 PM bell brought on a Friday afternoon. In this time, I have, as expected by those that may know me, spent most of those evenings watching random movies and comedy shows. Most have not been toilet humor and as such, with some sort of message embedded throughout the running time or at the very end. Random thoughts were provoked about pretty much every facet of my life. My career, friendships, relationships and family. The one particularly random thought that popped up was…”who?” Nope, not whom I would wed, or who I want to become or whom I want to leave my enormous (err…ya) wealth to, but rather, who are the top 5 people I would like to meet…dead, mythical or alive.

I have been blessed in this regard as the combination of my personality and circumstances have afforded me plentiful opportunities to interact with many interesting people. I guess if one of those people was someone that was genuinely kind and generous and selfless, I have already met him; in fact, I had the esteemed pleasure of growing up with him (my middle brother, Doc). If on my list was to meet the most beautiful girl in the world, well, I see them (there are two, equally gorgeous) every week and they shower me with unadulterated affection (my beloved nieces). If it were the funniest person that does not have a commercial contract, well, we email every week or so.

But before this sounds like a mushy ode to my family members or friends, this is in fact a list of people that I think would fascinate me in the entire length of a 3 hour, once off session. It’s a case of where they’ve come from, what they became and how they have intrigued or touched my life.

It is worth articulating, that I don’t read, so that rules out the great authors of our existence. I can’t respect the amazing literary efforts of certain documented geniuses because I just lack context. I’m sorry, and I’m sure that if I had the want or exposure to great pieces of literature, I would definitely have had at least some of them on my list. The same upfront excuse goes for my respect of most great historical figures. Your Churchhills, Napoleans and such….unfortunately, I just don’t know enough to know that I would want to slot them in. I know Napolean was a hobbit and Winny had a drinking problem and it did sound like he was an inspiring character, but ya, not enough to crack the nod, sorry guys…

Right, enough with the foreplay…who makes the grade and why…

Let’s start off with the slightly commercial choices…the first being, Robbin Williams. Yes, Mrs Doubtfire, Mr Keating, Man of the Year. I am sure that most of what he has done from a movie point of view was all a part of the great scripting process by some guy in his basement (or office, based on his success) and not uber improv, but there is something about Robbin Williams that speaks louder than his impersonations. His ability to mimic and quite competently impersonate people, situations and red necks (because they seem to be a category on their own) is entertaining and engaging. But my want to meet him is primarily for some of the roles he has played. No they haven’t been Oscar winning movies and expensive, over the top Hollywood efforts, but the dialogues that he signs up for, speaks volumes of the man. His eyes articulate so much more than the average quasi A list actor and when you couple that with his actual comedic abilities, you can’t help but want to have a sit down with the man and get to know him a little better…if the age old adage of “the eyes are the window to the soul”, then this man certainly is worth delving into, well, my thoughts.

Right, time for the second…yes, yes, it’s a bit of a cliché but its Tiger Woods. The man (a young black one) took the world of golfing (run by old white men) by storm and has remained there for eons. The ability to excel at the level of competition that he has is one of unimaginable heights. The concentration required to unequivocally dominate is truly remarkable. Only Micheal Schumacher, Valentino Rossi and Roger Federrer may have rights to be on that same podium, but even they have such blips on their CV that its questionable. Sportsman of the year a few times over and quickly catching the great Mark Nicklaus (who played till he was 233) are only 2 milestones on his impressive run of world dominance of a sport that requires much more than brute force, supreme physiques and outstanding technological advances. Then there are the typical issues of how he has stood the test of time, fighting the stereotype of being a huge US sports star (with endorsement deals that would solve world hunger) and being black (well, sort of, he has like 5 races in him) and the fact that the sport that he is king of is one of supremely managed concentration. I think Tiger could teach us all a thing or two about how we could apply our minds better in our day to day dealings.

Then there is Mathew Bellamy. The lead singer and guitarist and pianist of Brit band Muse. No, my interest in him is not only that he kicks ass on stage, belting out uber rock songs, but also his appreciation of the ability to improvise. His instrumental talents are spellbinding and to work just one of those instruments would be a dream accomplished for most. I cannot articulate just how talented this man (and his writing skill) is and I’m sure that pound for pound there are only a few others, past or present that would rival his abilities. It’s not just that he can do what he does, but with the ease and grace of someone that is so comfortable and confident with his skill, plus, the music they make is out of this world. His singing style is another not so typical stance on how music should be churned out. Then there is the fact that he is a strong believer of life on other planets and is a champion conspiracy theorist…the making of an interesting meeting, I think so.

And then there were two…Step up Adolf Hitler. Yes, as cruel and insane as his crimes were, from what I know of the Holocaust, this man had the ability to inspire (or brainwash or put fear in) an entire country. To make so many people, probably decent people that would have lived normal, vanilla lives do such horrible things to innocent people, are truly remarkable and must rank him as one of the greatest motivators ever. From what I know, he muscled a few situations but somehow, with whatever techniques, made so many follow his will and more importantly, his vision. Can you even imagine how he must have been with his friends, outside of killing innocent people based on his delusional thought process? Did they sip a beer and discuss how their favorite team was playing without their Jewish midfield playmaker…or did they discuss stuff like how traffic is a bitch if you a working in town? Or how children these days grow up so fast? I mean seriously, what the fuck went on in that psychos mind, bar the retarded concept of purification? I don’t even know where I would go on to, from “Hi Adolf, I’m Zoydberg”…perhaps “So, killing people in really fucked up ways, what’s that like?”

And finally, and if he existed (or not even)…Jesus Christ. Yes, as someone who is agnostic or Religion Light as I like to call it, I question whether JC even existed. I mean, he has this massive worldwide following, had wars fought and blood spilled in his name and is the reason why at least 2 women I have dated did not put out, obviously the man has got some pull. The question of his existence is not under examination here, it’s just that it would be pretty cool to ask him questions related to how things started, that supreme A-hole Judas, and of course, how things turned out since. Again, not a topic I am incredibly well read up on, but from what I know, I think it would definitely make for an interesting Q and A session. We could bounce across these allegations of homosexuality being a straight path to hell (do not pass begin, do not collect R200), we could talk about how faith in him is the only path to heaven (or be faced with Route 666) and we could talk about those 2 women that didn’t put out…I’m thinking the water and wine stuff would come up, and most importantly, is this how he wanted it to turn out (as in was he maybe just spreading the rough teachings of Buddhism), was this his vision of what it was going to be or did people take it and royally fuck it up and how? I guess, I know how I could start the conversation…“So, play any sports when you were a kid, or would that have been unfair in the “My dad” argument?”

“The only thing that we can be sure off, is that we don’t know enough”