Highland’s apparition

I’ve been content. Truly happy even, over these past months. Context, which has probably led to me not blogging. It would appear, that my inspiration for writing, well, writing anything meaningful, my muse, is a darkness within me. A resentful, cynical place that festers like an infected wound that will not heal…especially because I keep picking at it, during these very times. That said, of recent, I have been in a place that hasn’t inspired any sort of rant or random opinion. Don’t get me wrong, I am still one judgmental bastard, that part of me hasn’t diluted, but for whatever reason, I have not been able to summon enough conviction (and strength of words) to actually put it down on paper.

I have been moved. In a deep and profound way, that that part of me doesn’t crave its feedings as often as it used to. But, as I’ve said, it doesn’t mean that it isn’t there…

You see, beyond meeting that person, I still feel contempt for the average person that I cross or re-cross paths with, mainly because one way or another, they validate my age old philosophy…that most of you are fucking retarded. Lacking self confidence, an appreciation for context, and most importantly, conviction. This judgment still stays with me, as the general stench of your weakness of character disseminates through a room.

I have been through interesting periods in my life since my last post. Pretty high highs coupled with decently crippling lows…yet still, I feel like I see a world clearer that you. A world where people fill in the gargantuan holes in context with make believe stop gaps. Sticky taping square pegs into round holes or worse yet, not even acknowledging that those gaps exist. A weakness displayed either through irrational articulation or ignorant silence. Either way, I’m still, as I’ve generally been, pissed with the lack of thought process by the other pawns on this chess board.

Of recent I have had to endure medical drama, family drama, financial drama, distractions, frustrations and most recently, the loss of a friend. Yet through all of this, somehow, I feel like I am one of a select few that sees things with a certain element of clarity. Surely, I am not as smart as I think that I am, the only one willing to appreciate and understand situations and their context, repercussions and legacy?

Which essentially leads me to my core thought and inspiration for this post…how smart are you? For that matter, how smart do you think you are? Are you aware of your intellectual limitations? How aware are you of the emotional atmosphere of situations that surround you? How fucking aware are you in general? Are you a listless tool that merely chugs along like a meandering tugboat whose only purpose is to keep moving? Irrespective of what metaphorical cargo in whatever philosophical ship?

How aware are you of the false relationships that you foster? How aware are you of the varying degrees of bullshit that you dish out to those participants? Are you convinced that they can’t see your cracking exoskeleton of insecurity? How confident are you that the moving parts of you aren’t merely held together by bubblegum and only given an impenetrable sheen because your audience lacks the insight and foresight to figure you out?

How smart are you, friends? Emotional centering, amidst knee jerk decisions disguised as conscious thought and considerate communication? Romance based on filling in your partners deficiencies? Work relationships held together by subordinates not wanting to stir the bee hive for fear of retribution? And within that, peers not challenging peers due to their emotional maturity rivaling that of a used shopping packet?

I realize that for more or less the better part of the last 2 odd years, I have exhibited fledgling signs of clinical depression. This is due to a catalogue of issues, self enforced and environmental. With all of this, I still feel that I get it, more than you do. I see the holes in our society more than you. I am more aware of the pseudo intellectual conversations we tell ourselves that we’ve had. I am more comfortable with the short comings of relationships. I am more convinced that I know what I’m talking about than you. I process faster and better and with more detail than you. How and why is this the case? Based on me not actually being as smart and as centered as I believe I am, how the fuck am I still working this out, whilst you, flitter in and out of your consciousness with reckless abandon, as if life doesn’t keep score…

I do not believe in Karma, I do not believe in fate, I do not believe in a turning wheel. But continuous ignorance in your life, is like the retarded 4 year old running around with a pair of scissors, eventually someone will get hurt…so decide. Are you the person who is actually trying to be self aware and happens to get stabbed in the leg, or are you the mongoloid smiling at the shiny, sharp object as you run into a wall and have it impale your temple?