I'm ok (I promise)

Every year, at this time, like clock work, my world is thrown into tail spin of what it is I want, what is lacking and what I really shouldn’t give a shit about…every year, at this time, like clock work…I remain confused.

The new years chaos brings with it unavoidable introspection and retrospection about what I prioritize in my life. Given recent context (the aunt I reference in my last posting has since passed on) this self analysis has been exaggerated. I have always been a firm believer that ones life can easily be illustrated as a pie chart…each wonderful piece signifying a partition that contributes to ones self. A piece for family, one for work, one for hobbies. One for the general bunch of friends and one for the really close ones. Then there is a piece each for a section related to “the romantic real” and another (probably the most important) for ones self. This year end stock take, provokes thoughts around contribution and management of each and every piece.

Those that have availed themselves to my meandering thoughts, will know that this time of year nears 2 of the saddest days of the year for me…the silver going to the uber commercialized “New Years” and gold (by a country mile) to my birthday that follows not soon after. Yes, yes, its all about perception and mindset and all that jazz…but my mindset and perception and attached jazz saddens me, as these two days, till this, my soon to be 25th experience of it, have all been anticlimactic. No new year has been a complete and utter thoughtless event surrounded by good friend and family and no birthday has ever been glorified or validating. I should be bigger than this. I know, but screw it…if not on this, the most important day in your life (as one ex referred to it), then when else does one get spoilt and completely self absorbed? The completely over commercialized February 14th?

What aggravates further, is that in general, I have moved heaven and earth for those close to me, to at the very least, know that on that day, they are all that matter. With the exception of one this year (I’m sorry, but I adopted this philosophy given context and this thought process and you got caught in the cross fire), I have been good in this regard.

As I process them chronologically (which came first, the birthday or the new year) I look back on another year of short comings, lack of articulation, disappointments and lack of commitments, both from and to. Ranging from not being able to quit smoking entirely to a continuation of the romantic tragedy it continues to be (and everything in between) I am saddened at how I did not follow through on the undoubted potential that the unknown holds. Granted, there have been many positives from this time period (time period being the last new years till this) with regards to career, sport, friendships found and lost and interactions that have fueled both thought and action…something has been lacking. What exactly it is… I cannot pin point.

For those that read this that know me, please remain calm, I am neither homicidal nor suicidal, despite the dark rings around my eyes. I am merely thrown into a period of deep and analytical thought. Seeking what it is I should change and what, of the regrets that I have accumulated, that I should rather look fondly on or merely remember as incidents of a past or seriously consider putting on the “crap, I wish I could have changed that” shelf.

2007 was meant to be a year in which I pulled my finger out and took control of an existence that I felt, in certain realms, I was merely floating along in. The year began with heart ache, continued with confusion, was punctuated with frustration and has reached this junction. Before I sound like my life is completely a helpless and hopeless situation, I have to admit to shining lights of happiness and clarity that have popped up here and there…be them in the context of my career moves, new interactions (and the re-emergence of old ones)or the growing personalities of my stunning nieces.

I am however, bored. The pieces of the pie interest, but sorta fail to intrigue…how did this happen? Well, simple. Continually giving without condition and hesitation has left me a wee bit tired and listless (lacking list). It’s not melancholia, but it’s certainly not rays of fucking sunshine.

I’m more tired, more often and one observer even ventured an analysis…”It must be lonely being you”. A perception that’s not entirely off the mark. Though I very much enjoy being by myself, I am filled with infinite thoughts of what’s missing, what do I want and what do I want to ignore.

I am my own island! (Contrary to Jon Bon Fucking Jovi) I do not owe anyone, anything. There is no case of me being selfish, because, as Hugh Grant’s once character said “I can’t be selfish, because there is no one to put before me, it’s just me.”

So what the hell am I missing…its not kids, it’s not a stable relationship, its not more money (though that would be very cool)…The glass is not half empty, most of the time anyway. But I am just frustrated at the plethora of grey. I guess its simple enough for me to acknowledge that I need to take the proverbial bull by its proverbial horns…but I would need to figure out first if I wanted it to be a nice domesticated pet or a nice juicy steak.

To any of you that read this, that do know me; should the thought arise to try to inspire a change of opinion, please do not waste your time to rectify the years of vanilla. This will not be held against you and this post was never meant to insight action. You are as I see you now and this New Year or birthday, will not change my fond opinions of you (if I do, in fact have fond opinions of you) This is just a vent. An unadulterated, unjustified, minimal context, no validation vent.

Well, whatever the case, I guess I’ll figure it out in time. This sort of intense, deep, dark and generally self imposed depression fades shortly after the “gold” day…after yet another acknowledgment of what my role is to so many… but don’t worry. I’m ok. I promise.