Blurry

I have spent the last few months, post last blog, proactively trying to live my life the way I want to…amongst other things, salsa lessons, attempts at learning to play the guitar, reading, writing my screenplay and going to the gym…in the moments that work (and self indulgence in the form of laziness) has not consumed me…

These times have been punctuated by the odd attempt at quasi romance and include pearler one liners such as “what does this mean to you”, “I’m not normally like this” and “It’s so comfortable with you”…all have dripped with bullshit. The only bit that’s an epiphany to me is the fact that that bullshit is not only from one party.

In the time since my last post, which proved to be terribly therapeutic and cathartic, despite the castigation and worries of friends, I have felt better than I have for most of this fucking year…a year that somehow managed to be more of waste than the regrettable drudgery of 2007.

At a place of all too familiar confusion, apathy and yet, frustration, far too early in the year than normally experienced, too much of this fucking year has hinged on the whims, reactions, retorts and actions of others. For a person that considers himself to be fairly centered and well rounded, I have let myself be affected by far too many of the inane and dispensable category.

I have not blogged for a while because for a decent part of my accidental sabbatical, I have been ok. As this page has become my safe place to rant, bitch, vent or judge, I lacked the required material to populate with anything worth reading, or for that matter, worth writing. I could have blogged about rainbows and butterflies and the sweet smell of rain in the fucking morning, but that would be too much of a stretch even for my imagination. For though I have not been as fucked off, as disenchanted, as disinterested as I normally have been for this God forsaken year, I haven’t quite felt an inkling of contentment, let alone the sight of happiness on any proverbial horizon.

In a world filled with valor and bullshit, honesty and cowardice, hope and regret, I find myself continually affected by the fucking variables that people are. Though this post was inspired by specific events, ultimately, the combination of recent events have provided the ambition and back bone of it.

Yet again, despite my not so squeaky clean endeavors, I find myself affected by the fucking opaque and vague actions of people…

As has become form, my posts tend to have a theme…a defined bitch or rant, a question with conviction…this particular post finds me just needing an outlet with a need to ask the simple, age old question…WHAT THE FUCK?

With waning interest in the very things that stirred my soul for decades, the shock at how others aren’t chocked or even swayed when their articulations drip with bullshit and a lack of faith in the general populace to acknowledge what the hell is going on and who they are, I find myself completely and utterly confused as to how to not want to say more than I have, which as it turns out, are volumes more than they would.

With recent experiences ranging from half truths, to lack of empathy, to falseness in small doses, to bullshit in large doses, to down right lies, to self absorption, I can but see myself standing in a crowded space, screaming expletives without anyone even hearing a fucking word…well, something like that.

The contrasting personas of people continue to intrigue me, as a person that borders voyeurism with a healthy interest in human behavior, I am constantly astounded by the fucking irresponsible retards you are.

I am no martyr…I myself may have helped situations along their path, though pre defined some have seemed or even manufactured pheromones to assist a certain process along, but I still, despite any heed of “man codes” or reasoning within myself that people need to deal with their own lives, I have articulated truths…as often as I could, as sincere as it was…

The period between the last post and now has included experience after experience beyond the norm. As my independent census has shown, these experiences, their sequence in time and their drama levels, do not oft occur…they have, however, in my life…and as such, I am fucked off!

Burdens of perceptions that other people manufuckingfacture in their minds of a situation with people that don’t exist should not be my concern. Double standards and articulations of do’s and don’ts, questions for reaffirmation and not to leave the lesser spotted, down right fucking lie…

Though I am a person who very much lives in his own head, with varying degrees of success, I find the lack of self analysis as shocking as it is fucking hilarious…What on earth are your hamsters doing? No deeper thought process of what one is saying, doing or as bad, projecting, yet with James Bond like confidence, resolute on the stance that the soap box they find themselves perched on is immune to questions, quizzical looks and just good old fashioned context…

Ah, context, I love that word. For me, no other word should mean more to any one person, perhaps, its only decent competitors are “hope” and “empathy”. Whilst one contributor (to this post) is dismissive to the realities of life, love and everything else, another manufactures a perception of a situation, not leaving out others that down right just don’t process a damn thing or as harsh, are dismissive to how damaging the double trouble combo of “double standards” actually is.

I guess its just a case of my cup runeth over, with regards to the lack of context and empathy that people have had, and the of course, the fact that those “issues” have been either one of, caused by me or happened to me.

One insightful, eloquent, and very centered contemporary ventured the thought that we are in fact our state of mind and tried to make sense of my mental state. His words were sharp, to the point, honest and fucking true. Despite what was an awesome case for the defense in the trial of “Context versus bullshit”, he over looked one critical factor, or rather, and with a certain amount of validity, dismissed the issue of empathy…mine in particular.

With ambition that rivals the next Everest summit party and Obama combined, I can’t help but fucking feel and hope…this is the Achilles heel to my Brad Pitt…that despite my best efforts to control my own universe, I let people in, and allow myself to see them as people with similar thought processes, and for that matter, thought in general…how wrong I am to give such hope and empathy to people that lack the respect for context…

I am tired. Emotionally. The pendulum swings as high as it does evenly and its imaginary Comet like tail leaves with it a residual of deep, depressing, introspection and all too little, the after glow of growth and improving self worth…

We are taught to worry about ourselves, with an eye to not fuck anyone around more than is absolutely needed, if in fact it is needed. We are taught to be strong, self reliant and street smart. Eloquent and articulate. The one thing we aren’t taught, is how to fucking grow up and even if our life depended on it, deal with the fact that there are things we should control, things that we cant control but should accept and things that we can do to make someone else’s journey that little bit less arduous, and empty…even then…its just a case of context, I guess…

I know that this post has nothing but grey all over, alas, a more truthful rant would be less affective towards me dealing with these issues and far too direct for the hapless fucktards that stirred the thought process in the first place. Suffice to say, that the levels of bullshit and complete lack of respect for context that I have recently experienced is as overwhelming as it is real. The sick cycle carousel continues and people shan’t change. These are things I know all too well, but without hope that people grow, deal and make the necessary upgrades within, I face the very disheartening option of an even lonelier existence. Because as the list of people that appreciate the person that I am, in context, shrinks, the constant reminders that I am very much, the only one that will completely get me grows…

A rousing fuck you to those that impose, manipulate, chastise, critique and generally don’t appreciate context. I hope you grow as a person. In context.

“Make the most of your regrets; never smother your sorrow, but tend and cherish it till it comes to have a separate and integral interest. To regret deeply is to live afresh.”

“This is your life, and it's ending one second at a time.”